The Demented, Evil, and yet Genius Minds of Us
by Becky Quiddle
Summary: In a world where Dumbledore is "King Itchy" and Ron sets his head on fire, this is our story... Funny, Funny with a twist of cool new characters. More chapters coming soon!


It was as normal a day as ever at Hogwarts School and the sorting of the midget,  
  
deranged, new students was finally over. As usual, Dumbledore stepped forward to state  
  
the start-of-term announcements. The halls silenced.  
  
"As you know, I am your headmaster, Dumbledore, but, you may also address me  
  
as King Itchy!" Everyone in the halls smiled as if this were totally normal name  
  
for a possibly thousand year old man.  
  
Ron looked around nervously for something in which Hermione and Harry were  
  
wondering what he was so nervous about.  
  
"We have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, her name is Professor  
  
Imma Deatheater," Harry raised an eyebrow in thought but then shrugged and continued  
  
to stare up at "King Itchy".  
  
"I would also like to say that Hagrid will no longer be with us on account of he  
  
was viciously torn to shreds by a pack of wild Blast-end-Skrewts."  
  
"It's about time something ate him." whispered Kimi to Becky who, because the  
  
teachers didn't give a crap anymore, were sitting at the same table even though they were  
  
in different houses.  
  
"In place of Hagrid we have a new teacher named Professor Ben  
  
Plottingevildeedsinmysparetime."  
  
"Must be foreign." whispered Hermione to Harry. Ron was still looking around  
  
nervously.  
  
"Now. We have taken care of all the announcements. Lets eat!" The plates in  
  
the center, as usual, filled with food and the students pilled them onto their plates. Kimi  
  
picked up her golden plate and examined it.  
  
"I likes pasta." she whispered to the plate and almost immediately, the plate  
  
filled with a loverly pasta dish.  
  
"Dude, If that worked then. I love Ron!" Suddenly Ron Weasley appeared on  
  
her plate, sitting on the pasta and looking around confusedly with a chicken wing in his  
  
hand."  
  
"STOP FOLLOWING ME!" Ron shouted, running to the Gryffindor table with  
  
noodles still stuck to his pants.  
  
"Well, at least we know what he was so afraid of." said Harry. Harry bit into his  
  
chicken leg and at the same time glanced up at Imma Deatheater. His scar filled with  
  
pain, he winced.  
  
"Harry, what's wrong? Is your scar hurting again? What made it hurt?" Harry  
  
looked down.  
  
"I think my chicken leg is evil. DIE DEMON POULTRY!" he took out his  
  
wand and blew the chicken up with a red jet of light. Everyone continued as normal.  
  
Professor Deatheater glared in Harry's direction in utter loathing.  
  
Becky and Kimi walked to their houses and paused as the hallways parted to the  
  
stairs leading to each of their houses.  
  
"Bye Kimi, See ya tomorrow!" said Becky right before the echoes of Ron's  
  
screaming wailed came bouncing down the halls saying: STOP FOLLOWING ME!  
  
The next day Becky walked down the breakfast, for once she showed up on time,  
  
and sat down with Kimi again at the Ravenclaw table for if Becky were to sit at the  
  
Slytherin table, she wouldn't live to tell the tale, not being a pure blooded, snotty, rich,  
  
meany-pants was against their rules.  
  
"Hey there, Kimi! What do you say we venture into yonder great hall after thine  
  
classes to cause some mischief."  
  
"Enough with the yonder stuff, you nutter.We are in London not Louisiana.  
  
Anyway, sure. I could use a bit of mischief to start out the year." She said with a smirk.  
  
The still nervous Ron was rocking in a fetal position in his seat at his house table, sucking  
  
his thumb and occasionally shrieking, "STOP FOLLOWING ME!" and twitching.  
  
Potions with the Slytherins, Gryffindors, and Ravenclaws were there in no time  
  
and Professor Snape (or Snapple as we so lovingly call him) had to magically erase the  
  
rude comments on his chalk board. Becky, Kimi, and Monique had written many of the  
  
messages such as: "You would make a loverly woman, Snapina!"; "What's the matter  
  
Snapple, mistake a bottle of grease for shampoo?"; and "Maybe if you got a girlfriend  
  
you would be nice, guess you will be a git forever!"  
  
They were quite pleased with the messages but they were messages of love  
  
(*innocent humming*).  
  
All through class Becky was staring daggers at Malfoy who with staring blissfully  
  
at Hermione and asking her every few seconds if he could smell her hair.  
  
After classes were done they met in the Great Hall as planned, wands, cauldrons,  
  
and Zonko's goodies at hand.  
  
"I wanna go first!" and making sure no one was looking, Becky took out her wand  
  
and conjured a giant banner from the tip that read: Happy Grease Ball Appreciation  
  
Week! We love you Snapple!  
  
"Me next!" shouted Monique as she brewed a feminine potion for their good  
  
buddy, Snape. "I can't wait to see him the next morning. He will probably be wearing a  
  
dress and make-up!"  
  
"Best for last!" said Kimi as Kimi wiped out her wand as well and conjured  
  
several large posters of Snape in the green dress, the vulture hat, and red purse. In the  
  
poster the wind is blowing Snape's dress up and he is holding it down, blushing. Of  
  
course the poster was animated as most wizarding pictures were.  
  
They levitated them up on the wall, bottled the potion, and escaped out of the  
  
great hall.  
  
That evening, before supper, Kimi saw Snape in his classroom drinking a goblet  
  
of pumpkin juice while reading a scroll which seemed vaguely unimportant at the time.  
  
She threw on the cloak, snuck in the room, slipped a few drops of the potion into his  
  
goblet, and sent Becky and Monique owls from her dormitory stating nothing more or  
  
less than: The fun begins at supper.  
  
Becky received the owl while in the library, brushing up on her Quidditch fouls in  
  
Quidditch Through the Ages. She smiled at the message and headed out, seeing the plan  
  
was a success and to prepare for dinner. In the corner of the Library she spotted poor  
  
Ron.  
  
"Ron, what is wrong with you?"  
  
"She's here. I know she is."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Her." he was rocking back and forth in his normal fetal position.  
  
"Kimi? She hasn't been seen in a library since. Uh. well. Never."  
  
"I know she is here. I can feel her dark presence." Becky smiled at Ron's  
  
jumpy current state and before she left she decided to have a bit of fun with him.  
  
"Oh my gosh! There she is in the window!" shouted Becky while pointing out the  
  
window.  
  
"STOP FOLLOWING ME!" he squealed, getting out a bottle of liquid that was  
  
labeled as "Kimi-Away Potion".  
  
"Oh, my gosh, she's right behind you!"  
  
"ECK!" Ron opened the bottle as quickly as possible and poured it over his head  
  
in utter fear. There was a sizzling sound and steam began to rise from his head. His  
  
terrified screams echoed throughout the school as he rolled around on the ground, no one  
  
seemed to care that his flaming red hair was now ACUALLY flaming. His screams were  
  
only silenced when the fire was out and he lay motionless on the floor, now bald and  
  
scorched. Kimi entered.  
  
"What's wrong? I thought I heard my Ronniekins screaming in utter pain and  
  
fear." she looked at the bald child on the ground.  
  
"Nope, must have been a bird or something. Fwooper's cries can cause insanity  
  
and as you know, I have the only Fwooper in the school!" Kimi shrugged and walked  
  
with Becky down to the Great Hall. It was almost time.  
  
They met Monique on the way down who was giggling excitedly. She didn't  
  
normally participate in evil plots but she couldn't resist a good joke on Snape. Hearing  
  
the laughter up ahead they guessed that some people had already arrived but the one thing  
  
that made everything all the more hilarious was the fact that Snape was sitting at the staff  
  
table in the same outfit as on the posters with his hairy legs crossed, putting on lipstick.  
  
Their joy was far beyond that of laughter, they could not have guessed it would be this  
  
funny.  
  
As they sat down they heard several male teachers asking the newly female  
  
professor out on dates and pretty soon he (or shall I say, "she") was booked with dates to  
  
last "her" the next month. The posters and banners were still up and everyone, including  
  
Fred and George were asking for tips.  
  
"It's all in our non-existent brains" they said with a grin. Dinner at Hogwarts  
  
never tasted so good.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
"STOP FOLLOWING ME!!!" 


End file.
